Most Christians will quickly identify these themes – forgiveness, redemption, reconciliation, love – as being central to the ministry of Christ: ‘…in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting the message of reconciliation to us. So we are ambassadors for Christ, since God is making his appeal through us [Christians]; we entreat you [non-Christians] on behalf of Christ: be reconciled to God…’ (2 Corinthians 5:17–21).

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As ambassadors of Christ, we follow our Lord in his ministry. So, we convey the message of new creation and reconciliation to the world by explaining God’s love and forgiveness expressed in Christ. Importantly, this means exhibiting God’s love and forgiveness in our own lives. This isn’t always easy.

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Unconditional love, conditional forgiveness

A Christian when relating to others should act, like God, in love (that is, agape, or doing what is best for others). In this sense, love is to be unconditional (Matthew 5:43–48). But while God’s love is unconditional, we note that God’s forgiveness is conditional (Luke 15:7,10; Acts 2:36–39; 3:19).

 

So, in following God, Christians should be ready and willing to forgive any offender (Matthew 6:12,14–15). Equally, Christians should value reconciliation as a priority (Matthew 5:23–24). But, as with God, forgiveness in its fullest sense (that is, resulting in reconciliation) cannot occur unless and until the offender repents (Matthew 18:15–17; Luke 17:1–10).

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Process of forgiveness

Accordingly, we can see biblical forgiveness as a four-stage process. Stage 1 begins with the wrongdoer’s behaviour which causes harm or loss to the victim. The behaviour may be intentional or unintentional.

 

Stage 2 focuses on the victim. We should not ignore or trivialise the victim’s pain, because it may cause them to suffer even greater hurt. Conversely, the victim should seek to avoid ‘victimhood’: becoming stuck in a state of anxiety, anger, and bitterness which often leads to the pursuit of revenge. Instead, victims should choose to pursue the following avenues of grace:

a) Continue to express unconditional love (agape) – yes, even towards the one who
    has hurt them (Matthew 5:43–48; Romans 13:8–10).

b) Resist the temptation to retaliate but, rather, seek to bless
    (Matthew 5:38–42; Romans 12:14–21).

c) Entrust final judgment to God (1 Peter 2:19–23). Full justice may be delayed until Judgment      Day, but it will eventually be executed, and by the only infallibly Righteous Judge!

 

By adopting these avenues of grace, a victim can bring the process of forgiveness to the next stage. In stage 3, the victim can release the offender(s) from their wrongful behaviour and be at peace with them (Romans 12:18). Consequently, the victim frees himself or herself from the bondage of unforgiveness.

 

But to bring forgiveness to its goal of reconciliation, it takes more than the victim’s willingness to forgive. Stage 4, reconciliation, requires the offender’s repentance as well as the victim’s grace. This is the way God operates. This is the way God expects us to operate.

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Condition of reconciliation: repentance

To repent is to take responsibility for one’s wrongdoing and to determine to cease the offending behaviour (Luke 3:7–14). Repentance requires a change of mind; it’s expressed through confession and, where possible, involves restitution (e.g., Exodus 22:1; Luke 19:8).

 

Repentance is essential to reconciliation for at least three reasons. Firstly, repentance is evidence of the offender’s heartfelt desire to redress the harm he has caused. Secondly, repentance affirms the victim’s worth and the significance of the loss she's suffered. In this way, biblical forgiveness links the offender’s repentance to the issue of justice for the victim – whose grievance is thereby validated. Thirdly, repentance releases the offender from the burden of guilt.

 

Biblical forgiveness v therapeutic forgiveness

Note the fundamental difference between biblical forgiveness and a common therapeutic understanding of forgiveness. Therapeutic forgiveness tends to focus on the victim’s happiness. This contemporary model of forgiveness is unconditional because it has little or nothing to do with the offender’s response.

 

I suspect that therapeutic forgiveness is the basis for the misconception that a Christian can and should reconcile with an unrepentant offender. In my view, such a stance isn’t biblical. Indeed, doing so increases the risk of abuse being perpetuated between the offender and the victim and, potentially, others. It enables a serial offender to say: ‘The Bible says you must forgive me and forget my wrongdoing – so just get over it!’ Such an understanding of forgiveness implies that the victim mustn’t hold the offender accountable because that would be ‘unforgiving’ and ‘unloving.’ But adopting this approach usually ensures the cycle of abuse continues, although it may be punctuated by moments of worldly sorrow, as opposed to the godly sorrow that leads to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9–11). Without being held to account, the offender will typically repeat the cycle of abuse.

 

That’s why I find therapeutic forgiveness wanting. It’s based on a misunderstanding of biblical love and forgiveness. Biblical love (agape) doesn’t ignore or enable an offender’s sin. Love isn’t about avoiding conflict at all costs. Love sometimes has to be tough in highlighting the consequences of sinful behaviour and seeking accountability from the offender. Equally, forgiveness in its fullest sense isn’t possible without genuine repentance.

 

Conclusion

Ultimately, love expressed in biblical forgiveness is always relationally redemptive. As Lewis Smedes noted, forgiving is ‘love’s toughest work, and love’s biggest risk.’ I think he’s right. Smedes went on to note that, ‘If you twist [forgiveness] into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat or an insufferable manipulator’. In contrast, biblically understood and applied, forgiveness can bring healing and reconciliation to any relationship.